Joy and Sorrow

What a bittersweet time of year... I have always adored this season, with the cooler weather, and the excitement of the upcoming holidays. Lately though, it definitely brings on a different set of emotions and memories. Ones that didn't exist 5 years ago. Now, the first crisp fall weather day, makes it almost impossible not to feel as though I've been transported back in time to 2009. I can't believe its almost been 5 years. Sometimes, September 28, 2009 and the horrible events of that day, feel like yesterday. But, September 27, 2009, the last day we spent together and the last time I saw Brian, feels like a lifetime ago. Weird, I know.
I've been told there is really something unique to experiencing grief in the fifth year after loss, I believe it.
5 whole years.
1,825 days.
It seems like such a vast amount of time, and yet sometimes I feel like it has passed by in the blink of an eye. So many things have changed and happened. I have been so blessed, and have so many things to be thankful for, and so many wonderful memories to lean on. But a part of me feels as though I have been on an emotional roller coaster this past month. I can, and will, cry at the drop of a hat. Although, I'm certain now that there is another little one on the way, these pregnancy hormones aren't helping that aspect.
I really dislike grief being referred to as a "process", to me that means it would consist of a beginning and an end. Not the case. I feel as though its something you learn to live with and carry with you always, and it ebbs and flows. Maybe some would think that after 5 years had passed, it would be easier. Most days it is easier to live with. But some days it's harder. And it's always there.
So, here I sit, almost 5 years after losing Brian, and so many memories, feelings, and emotions are coming back with a vengeance. Only with almost complete clarity of mind. None of the initial shock the body produces to save the mind...
In many ways the grief feels so raw. So intense, just as it did right in those first days.
But its not all bad, it's also been good.
It seems that the feelings of pain and sorrow can come out of nowhere, and knock the wind out of you. Thankfully, also, so can the good memories. Recently, I was having a bad day and felt myself feeling devastated for several senseless officers deaths around the country. I was thrown back into going over September 28th again in my mind. And the days that followed leading to Brian's funeral.
I said several Hail Mary's in my mind, and tried to refocus on September 27th instead. And that last evening we spent together. We were happy and it made me happy.
That's what I have to focus on.
It's been so fun to share more and more little things with Natalie, as she gets older. We've watched old home movies, looked at pictures, talked about things he liked and didn't like. We've been talking a lot more lately about who he was, and his personality. She loves hearing about his love of animals and hunting. His magical ability to get her to go to sleep at night, after I had tried multiple times and failed. I've told her the songs he liked and she will recognize them when they come on the radio. She loves hearing about all of the things he did to aggravate me. She giggles singing "God is great, beer is good, and Mommy is crazy." She and Brian changed the lyrics a bit on that one.
Kate knows who Brian is, and jumps right in the conversation whenever we talk about him.
And I think, what a blessing.
I have all these wonderful memories, a beautiful daughter who will always carry on his legacy, and a growing family who bring me so much joy every single day.
Natalie recently came up with the idea to raise money and make a donation to the zoo, in honor of her Dad's memory. 
"He would really like that, because he loved animals. He used to want to be a vet. Did you know that Mom?" She asked me proudly with a smile.
"Yes, honey. I did know that. And I think you're right, he would love that."
She set her mind on doing something to celebrate his life. And although sometimes my heart is heavy, I am so proud. During the rough patches, that come around this time of year, she helps me to reminisce on the good times.
Life is always full of ups and downs. It was before September 28, 2009. And it is now. But it's all God's plan, and it's all beautiful.
I think back, and I smile. I look at Derek, Natalie, Kate and this new growing life and I smile.
I read something the other day, about not trying to minimize the pain of someone's grief. But instead to validate their feelings. Because it matters. Those feelings of grief matter. The person who is gone, mattered...
I am beyond blessed to have a husband who knows that, and to be surrounded by family and friends whom are there for me, when I don't even have to ask them to be.
Joy and sorrow can co-exist.
And they do.
I'll let the sorrow come and go when it needs. But I choose to live in the joy.

In the moment...

There's a full moon. It's Friday the 13th. It's almost Fathers Day. My anxiety is in overdrive tonight and I have a feeling this post may be all over the place. Please accept my apologies in advance.
I've been trying desperately to collect my thoughts, in some sort of organized manner, for the past week or so. Yet, every time I sit down to type, I feel like I can't make sense of anything inside my head, much less record it down. But I've got to try, it helps me in so many ways. So, I decided I'm just going to start typing. Here goes nothing...
Another May has passed, another month of memorials, another birthday of Natalie's has come and gone. It's always such a bittersweet day for me. But this year was a little different. My youngest daughter, Kate, is just a little over the age that Natalie was when Brian was killed. I look at her, she is so sweet, so very innocent. So trusting and accepting of everyone she knows. So sheltered from any hurt or wrongdoings in this cruel world we live in. It is such a reminder of how little Natalie was at the time. Such a reminder of how much she has grown, how much she has changed and how much Brian has missed.
Attending the police memorials this year had also taken on a bit of a different tone. It was the first time we attended a memorial and Natalie became upset. I don't mean, cry a little because she saw me crying, I mean sobbing, tears running down her face, hard crying. For the first time, she was able to put it all together, to look around and see so many officers, so many families, so many men and women whom all gathered together for one purpose. The honor and respect paid to all fallen officers, the honor and respect paid to her Dad.
What a dagger to the heart. To see my child physically hurting, and to feel so helpless. I remember sitting there for a minute, not knowing how to comfort my own daughter, because at that moment I couldn't comfort myself. All of those horrible feelings of pain, anger, hurt and anguish came flooding back in.
Then, I remembered the best advice I've ever been given....
Live in the moment.
Not too much in the past, not too much in the future, just right now.
At that moment, we were both sad and upset. As expected, and as we should have been. And you know what? That's ok. I hope if I can teach my girls one thing about grief... It's this: It's ok to cry if you need to cry, cry. It's ok if you need to laugh, laugh. It's ok to throw yourself a little pity party, kick and scream if you need to, just don't get stuck there. It' s ok to live for right now, and be happy.
Yes, I realize at times this advice can be much easier said than done, I struggle sometimes. But I try. I try to honor Brian's memory the best I can, by sharing stories and memories about him with Natalie, and with our whole family. Because I vow that he will never be forgotten, but I refuse to put the focus on the terrible events that happened which took him from us. He lived a life of 26 years, full of love, laughter and some trials as well, but wonderful memories were made that I will carry with me always. Natalie will always know the great man and father that Brian was.
And I vow, to do my best, to listen to that amazing woman's great advice and live in the moment. To soak up every moment of this life I've been blessed with, and the loved ones I share it with. As we all know, none of us are promised tomorrow.
This Fathers Day weekend, we will honor Brian's memory as always, and we will live in the moment. I give my thanks and praise to God for having blessed our family with a man whom is truly an amazing man and father. Derek is the most fun loving, ice cream for breakfast eating, always up for a good time, strong faith based man I know. And my girls are beyond blessed to have him for a father.

A Thankful Grieving Heart

It's been a quiet week around here. My poor sweet Kate has been sick, so I've barely left the house, other than to take Natalie to and from school. Life this week has consisted of lots of snuggles and watching movies on the couch with a 2 year old, who usually won't stop moving.
I will be honest, I hate it that she's been sick, it breaks my heart, but I am so thankful for the fact that she doesn't want to be more than 2 feet away from me, and isn't really content unless she's in my arms.... I've been eating that part up. She's finally feeling better, thank goodness. However the weather here is anything but desirable, so we still haven't left the house. Being cooped up can make you a bit stir crazy, but Natalie was out of school today, so we took full advantage of that and spent the whole day doing arts and crafts, which is one of her favorite things to do.  Other than the stress of a sick kiddo, the dreary weather, and feeling a little like you're being held hostage in your own home, things had been going well.
Until I started looking for something this week....
I needed to find some paperwork. I'd been putting it off, but it needed to be completed by the end of the month, so earlier this week I peeled Kate off of me, turned on Toy Story and went to the spot where I keep important paperwork. I just knew in my head exactly where things should be. Until I started looking, and couldn't find what I needed. I'm usually organized. Very, very organized. Anyone who really knows me, knows this to be true. However on the rare occasion, that's not the case.
I started to panic a little, and was angry with myself for procrastinating, which is something I rarely do. But thinking things maybe just got cluttered up a little bit, I started to look through the file box, of "important papers".
It went downhill from there.
Oh, the things I found.
I came across everything from medical records to funeral plans, complete with my scribbled notes on what readings were to be read and what songs to be sung. Funny, because I don't really have much recollection of writing it, and it doesn't look my handwriting, but I know it is. Among these important papers are multiple different birth certificates, and but one death certificate. Prior to 2009, I'd never had a death certificate in my possession. And most certainly not one in my "important papers file folder".
Mind you, I've needed it for several reasons in years past. It's not as if this was the first time I'd seen in awhile. But for some reason it really hit me this time. It hit me as much as it did the first time I held it in my hands. Opening that letter from Kansas Office of Vital Statistics, in my parents dining room, is one of those moments I will never forget. I remember looking it over. Thinking, this piece of paper, that came in the mail, makes it all that much more real. I remember when I saw it on an official document for the first time.
Cause of Death: Homicide.
Homicide. Something that happens in movies, or on TV, or in bad parts of town. Not to my husband. Not to my daughters father. Not to someone I loved more than life itself.
I looked at it again this week. And it hit me, just as hard. I was mad. I was angry.
That's when I came to a realization...  You don't lose someone just once. It doesn't happen for just one day, or one month, or one year. It happens over and over and over again.
It happens when you come across an old picture. A picture that you didn't think was even usable. Because I took it with my first smartphone, on a ride along with Brian, and it didn't have a flash. His face was so dark you could barely see it.
Derek looked at it, and thought he could edit it for me. And he did. God bless him.
When I first looked at it, I thought it was probably one of the best pictures I have of him. Because, it's perfectly him. And in a way, looking at it, for the first time in a long time, made me feel that pain of losing him all over again.
It's not just a one time thing, for someone you loved so much, it's forever.
It happens when your daughter asks you more and more questions, the older she gets. When, amongest the important papers, you find the folder where he saved every UPC code of every appliance or electronic you bought together. When you find the notes he had taken for an interview with the Wichita Police Department, long before he was hired by the Sheriffs Office, complete with bullets and a section on "Why I want to be a Police Officer".
I sat down on the kitchen floor and cried.
And then a little hand grabbed my arm.
"Momma, what's wrong?" Kate asked as she sat down on my lap.
"You crying?"
I wrapped my arms around her and cried even harder, but just for a little bit.
For a moment I was so angry, so upset. There is much truth in the fact that one doesn't go through the stages of grief just once.
But I looked at her and smiled. And she smiled at me.
What an amazing gift from God she is. And I never take her for granted.
I feel that the pain I carry in my heart from the loss of Brian, is somehow, in someway to thank for that.
The pain that is constantly there reminds myself to never take anything for granted. To be thankful for all that God has blessed with me with.
To take every moment, and soak it in.
Because it changes you. And in many ways for the better.
I am so thankful to be able to look back on so many happy memories I made with Brian.
And I am so grateful for the husband and father that I've been blessed with in Derek.
My girls will know nothing but love, and the memories of love. How very indebted I am for that.
Thanks be to God, for both of them, both of my girls and the many abundant blessings in my life.

Why

I thought I'd have a few more years before the really tough questions came...

Most parents should only have to worry about the dreaded "where do babies come from?" question and etc. I have always been honest with Natalie. If she asks something I tell her the truth. Well, ok, maybe I fudge on a few certain topics, where Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are concerned... but I really do try to be honest with her. Not that she needs all of the details about every aspect of life. But honesty has always been my policy. I want to know the truth, why would I deny that to my kids? 

But what happens when I don't what to say? 

Last night as we were driving home we stopped by the substation before Derek's shift started and talked to him in the parking lot. As we drove away, Natalie says to me "I don't want to be a police officer when I grow up. I want to do a safe job, one where people don't get shot." 

Feeling a bit of a lump in my throat, I try to turn to a positive outlook. I tell her that police officers are very safe and they keep us safe (although, don't get me wrong, that's a career path I'd prefer none of children choose). She starts asking me questions... about what happened to Brian, what happened to Derek.

I try to be as simple and honest as I can, like I said I want to be honest, but she's only 6 years old. The last thing I want to do is scare her. 

Then she says it.
She asks me "Why?" 

"Why would some bad man do that?"

A million thoughts are racing through my head. I want to scream, I want to cry. Why is my first husband dead? Why did someone attempt kill my second husband?

I don't know WHY???

I don't think I ever will.... But my daughter is asking me. Maybe I should have sheltered her more. I want to protect her. I don't want to see her hurt. 

I will never forget when I had to tell her what happened. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I remember where I was, sitting, in an arm-back chair in my parents living room. Thanks be to God (and April) that she spent the day with a great friends, and she had fun. She dressed up, and played. She didn't have any of the pain or hurt that I did. 

I remember it, but I remember it in a fog. She walked into the living room, she'd had a bath and she was wearing Eva's pj's. She ran up to me and she was happy to see me. She was happy we were spending the night at Grandma and Poppas house.

Then I told her.

She cried. 

I sobbed. 

Here we are 4 years later. And she asks me "why?"

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, she is a smart kid. She is so inquisitive, so caring, so giving of herself. I thank God for her everyday. I want to teach her well.

I don't really remember what I said to her last night. But I know I didn't kick and scream like I felt like doing, and I remember her replying back to me "if there are bad people, we should pray for them, then maybe they won't be bad." 

I want to teach her to forgive. To be the bigger person. In all aspects of life. People will hurt you, they will say and do hurtful things. Set a better example. Never lower yourself to their level, rise above it.

But how do I even do that in this situation? I'm not sure I can ever forgive, for a life that was taken away. And a daughter that lost her father at the age of 2. 

So I pray about it. 

All any mother wants for her children is for them to be "ok". I was worried about that last night. Did I say the right thing? Do the right thing?

Then today, when we were driving back to the school after the field trip, we hit a red light at 119th and Kellogg. Natalie looks over to Resthaven and says "Hi Daddy! I love you." 

I look in the rear view mirror. Natalie's friend Mary is looking at her. Natalie tells her about her Daddy. Mary looks over towards Resthaven and says "Hi Natalie's Daddy!" and they start talking about something else. 

She's ok. 

She's proud of him. As she should be, as I want her to be. 

I look back at this last year past. And this last September 28th past. We celebrated life. We celebrated Brian's life. We celebrated Derek's life. 

As any mother, all I want, is what is best for my children. I want them to have the best life possible. 

It's funny, I look at this and realize, my girls are the ones teaching me what life is all about. 

 

Another first...

Back to school really gets to me. Maybe because it's another time of the year when I realize how much older she's getting. Maybe because fall is quickly approaching. Whatever it is, I'm emotional. I know, it's normal, all moms are emotional about their babies going back to school to all day. I really miss Natalie's bubbly attitude, her helping hands, and her sweet smile around here during the day. And no doubt about it, Kate misses her sissy too. Those two have become quite inseparable. But it's more than that. It's yet another chapter in her life that Brian is missing out on. He doesn't see how excited she is. He doesn't see how independent she has grown to be. I know he sees her, but not in the way he should. 
I am reminded of the first days of school that Brian and I shared together. We started college together at Kansas State University. I think the both of us were afraid to leave home, but neither one wanted to admit it. We had each other though. I remember he was there for me after I finished rush week, and officially joined Alpha Delta Pi sorority. He too, had joined a fraternity, Delta Tau Delta. We were both so excited. And, oh how much fun we had over the next few years in Manhattan. I remember he was there, making faces at me from across the room in our sociology class, after I got in trouble for talking, and called out by our professor during lecture. He was there, to dry my tears when I got my first D on a Chemistry test, after I thought I had done so well. He let me cry and told me it would be ok, while he hid the fact that he did well on the same test. He was always there for me, during so many firsts, happy and sad. 

So much has happened in the past 4 years. So much has changed. One thing hasn't though... And that's the love I have in my heart for Brian. As well as the love I have for Natalie. If nothing else my love for the two of them has grown so much more. The more I love Natalie, the more I love Brian. And I thank God everyday that He chose Brian and I to bring her into this world and be her parents.

I'm so proud of her. Of course I'm biased and if you are reading this you're going to have to listen to be brag; but, she is such a great kid. So kind hearted and thoughtful, so brave and independent, so conscientious of others and their feelings. I know Brian is proud of her too. Even though he isn't here to see her march into her school with her head held high. Not a care in the world. He isn't here to hear the funny things she says. He isn't here to hear her talk about her day, with the excitement in her voice. He isn't physically here. As much as it hurts sometimes, as much as it angers me... I have to remind myself that he is with her. He is right by her side, every step of the way. He is with her for the first days of school, and all the other firsts. Much like he was there for me. 

What an amazing thing, that Brian and I share together. Of course we will always be linked together through the love we have for each other and our marriage. But, we also lucky to have something even beyond that. We have something that binds us together, binds us forever, binds us close whether in heaven or on earth. We have a person that binds us together, a soul. We have Natalie. What a beautiful reminder she is.  A reminder of her father, of my husband, of Brian... to anyone who knew him. And a special way for people that never met or really knew him, to see a part of him. A way for his memory to live on, in this earthly world. I am so blessed to have her, as are Derek and Kate too. And we all know it.

I was upset the other day and she just looked at me, " it's ok Momma, he's right there in your heart." 

Yes, baby, you're right. He is. 

Letting go

I'm not always a very spontaneous person, and I don't always have a "go with the flow" attitude. Ok, to be fair and completely honest, I usually like to know the what, when, where, how and who of the happenings in my life. I'm trying to be less controlling, I really am. I'm trying to let go. To let go of what I cannot control. But it's hard.

After Brian was killed I felt like so many things in my life were taken from me. Of course, the obvious, my husband, my best friend, the person I loved more than anything and was my entire world, was gone. I felt like every aspect of my life was changed. Everything I did, it just wasn't the same. I couldn't bear to be in our house, because everything I looked at, reminded me of him. I tried to go back to work, in my mind it was one thing that I could still do. The "pathetic excuse for a human being" that took my husbands life, took almost all of my life too. But he couldn't take from that from me. It was one thing that could stay the same. But guess what, it wasn't. I couldn't stand to work in the same hospital and same building that Brian had died in. I felt like I was completely losing control of my life. I couldn't enjoy things, because if I couldn't enjoy it with him, then it wasn't worth it.

In time I learned to realize that the harder I tried to hold onto things and control them, the worse it was. I became much more deeply rooted in my faith again, and really tried to give my problems over to God. He would take the burden off of me. And He did. But I had to be the one to let it go, to give it up to Him. That's the hard part.

My worry and anxiety sometimes gets the better of me. Because, if I let myself, I will worry about EVERYTHING. I worry about Derek the second he walks out the door. (Especially when he's walking out the door at 8:30 pm with a bulletproof vest velcroed on and a gun on his hip.) I worry about the kids, what if something bad happened to them? I worry about myself. What if I got hurt or sick, and I wasn't able to be here for the ones I love the most? I used to have the ability to be a bit naive and think "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, after you've been in the situation where 'the worst of the worst' really did happen to you and you've lived through your worst nightmare.... You tend to shift your thinking. Instead of thinking "it won't happen to me", you think "it can happen to me, because it did." Sometimes, I worry about the decisions I make, and sometimes I care way too much of what others think.
 I attended Police Week in Washington D.C. for the first time since the year Brian was honored. And what an experience it was. I'm not sure if I thought since it had been 3 1/2 years, that it would be easier, or at least I would be able to control and handle my emotions better? Boy, was I wrong. On the contrary, it was almost the exact opposite. Strange as it seemed, I felt a stronger and more profound impact of the week's events on my heart.  Looking back, I don't think I was able to fully grasp the totality of what was happening the first time around. I can think more clearly now, about what really happened to him, the shock has worn off.
I desperately tried to control my emotions. I don't even know how many times I said to myself under my breath "pull yourself together". I should have just let the feelings come. It was another sign of proof to me that grief comes in waves like the ocean. Sometimes the tide is high. I am learning to let go of trying to control it, and just let it come.
God never fails. He provided just what I needed that week. I was able to spend time with my dear friend Paige, and to make new friends with other women whom I had such a connection with. I was able to help them, and they were able to help me. I also will never forget God placing me exactly where I needed to be during the candlelight vigil, meeting a great group of people from Maryland. Thanks to a Sheriffs Deputy Capatin named Jack, who took a chance teasing me, made me laugh, gave me all of his Kleenex, and ultimately reminded me why I was there. I felt a sense of relief that it's ok to be sad, it's ok to hurt and to cry. They asked me about Brian, and about Derek, about Natalie and Kate. They made me feel normal. I don't think they will ever know how much that meant to me.
This summer we spent time out at the lake, like we always do. It's comforting and a little bit heart wrenching at the same time. I love to be there with my family, to make memories together, the kind of memories that will last the girls a lifetime. I also feel a wealth of memories and emotions when I'm there. Memories I made with Brian, starting about 10 years ago or so, along with new memories with Derek and the girls. Nothing can ever take those memories away, nothing. And, I realized even more, the importance of living. And surrounding myself with the people that love me the most, Derek and the girls, our family and our friends.
Henri Frederic Amiel said "You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: Make use of suffering."
Therefore, I am trying even harder to let go, to let go of my efforts to try to control my every emotion, of trying to be superwoman all of time time, to let go of my (almost constant) people pleasing mentality, and to just live. To live being the best wife to Derek, and best mom to Natalie and Kate that I can be. And by letting go of what brings me down, I will be holding on even stronger to the memories I have. To the memories I have of Brian, and all of the things he taught me; about being a wife and a mother. No one, and nothing can ever take that from me.

Living with Different

Post started last Friday, May 3rd, 2013...

This may be redundant information, that I've already shared, but I've had a tough day and currently it's an even tougher evening. I need to put the thoughts down that are racing through my head.
Today Natalie, my Mom and I attended the State Law Enforcement Memorial in Topeka. It's the fourth one since Brians EOW (end of watch). A good friend asked me a while back "Does it get any easier?" You know, I wish I could say that it does. But the truth is, easier is not the word I would use to describe it. It just gets different.
You learn to live with the "different". Because that's how everything is, it's different. You look at things differently, perceive things in a different way, appreciate things differently. It's not always a bad different, some of it is a good different, because you learn to appreciate life and the ones you love so much more. But YOU are different.
Tomorrow would have been the 12th anniversary of the day we went out on our first date. We drove around after dinner listening to the new Kenny Chesney CD... I've got it playing right now.
Yet, the only thing I've got on my mind is the last time I saw him. I can replay the whole thing in my head like it was yesterday. My mom coming over to get Natalie, he and I walked outside to put her in the car. And then we stood outside in the front yard for awhile, with Diesel. I remember he was wearing a white undershirt, his blue workout shorts from the academy, and black socks. It was the last night we had together. It was just an ordinary day. There was, however, nothing ordinary about the love we had between each other. I had no idea how lucky I was to have that moment in the front yard. An ordinary moment in our lives. Just a day in the life that we had built together, with the family we had made, that was so horrifically torn in two a mere 18 hours later.
The next day everything changed. Everything was different. The man that was the love of my life, that my world revolved around, was gone. I can't even begin to explain the pain when your heart breaks in two.
Now, I'm learning how to balance my grief with my life. It's not always the first thing on my mind, and some days are harder than others. You live. You remember. You laugh and love again. Yet, there are still days like today, when it's been on my mind since the minute I woke up this morning. It doesn't surprise me. I miss him. With Police Week in Washington DC, as well as the local memorial coming up, along with Natalie's birthday this month... my heart is heavy.
Speaking of that, I am so greatful for an understanding husband who gives me his full support and love, without question. I don't always give Derek enough credit, for being my rock, for being able to look at me and without either of us having to say a word, understanding me. I will never be able to thank him enough for that.
I have an impending feeling of anxiety upon me with the events that are coming up this month. The trip to DC will be the first time I've been back since the year Brian was honored. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. The pain, the grief, the sorrow in my heart, missing him, it doesn't go away. Again, it just becomes different. Yet, still, always there. Whoever said time heals all wounds, is a big fat liar. At least it doesn't heal the pain of a lost loved one. It may dull the pain at times, or distract you from it, but it's still there.
Yet, I know that this is all in God's plan, and I am trying to focus on and look forward to the positives; building stronger relationships with others at Police Week and being there to support friends I've met along the way. I am so excited to see my friend Paige again, a friend that was made because of a terrible common bond that ties us together, but a friend that has been such a blessing to me, and I am certain was put in my life by an act of God. I only wish we lived closer... I hope and pray that I will be able to be a source of support and provide encouragement to others and only strengthen our friendships more.
I will honor Brian, forever. I will keep his memory alive. His spirit is with me everyday. It may be emotionally tough and wearing, but I'm thankful that I can attend these memorials. It's such a wonderful honor to him... and another way to show Natalie about the hero that her father was, still is, and always will be.