about the men i love... for the girls that are my world.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Another first...

Back to school really gets to me. Maybe because it's another time of the year when I realize how much older she's getting. Maybe because fall is quickly approaching. Whatever it is, I'm emotional. I know, it's normal, all moms are emotional about their babies going back to school to all day. I really miss Natalie's bubbly attitude, her helping hands, and her sweet smile around here during the day. And no doubt about it, Kate misses her sissy too. Those two have become quite inseparable. But it's more than that. It's yet another chapter in her life that Brian is missing out on. He doesn't see how excited she is. He doesn't see how independent she has grown to be. I know he sees her, but not in the way he should. 
I am reminded of the first days of school that Brian and I shared together. We started college together at Kansas State University. I think the both of us were afraid to leave home, but neither one wanted to admit it. We had each other though. I remember he was there for me after I finished rush week, and officially joined Alpha Delta Pi sorority. He too, had joined a fraternity, Delta Tau Delta. We were both so excited. And, oh how much fun we had over the next few years in Manhattan. I remember he was there, making faces at me from across the room in our sociology class, after I got in trouble for talking, and called out by our professor during lecture. He was there, to dry my tears when I got my first D on a Chemistry test, after I thought I had done so well. He let me cry and told me it would be ok, while he hid the fact that he did well on the same test. He was always there for me, during so many firsts, happy and sad. 
So much has happened in the past 4 years. So much has changed. One thing hasn't though... And that's the love I have in my heart for Brian. As well as the love I have for Natalie. If nothing else my love for the two of them has grown so much more. The more I love Natalie, the more I love Brian. And I thank God everyday that He chose Brian and I to bring her into this world and be her parents.
I'm so proud of her. Of course I'm biased and if you are reading this you're going to have to listen to be brag; but, she is such a great kid. So kind hearted and thoughtful, so brave and independent, so conscientious of others and their feelings. I know Brian is proud of her too. Even though he isn't here to see her march into her school with her head held high. Not a care in the world. He isn't here to hear the funny things she says. He isn't here to hear her talk about her day, with the excitement in her voice. He isn't physically here. As much as it hurts sometimes, as much as it angers me... I have to remind myself that he is with her. He is right by her side, every step of the way. He is with her for the first days of school, and all the other firsts. Much like he was there for me. 
What an amazing thing, that Brian and I share together. Of course we will always be linked together through the love we have for each other and our marriage. But, we also lucky to have something even beyond that. We have something that binds us together, binds us forever, binds us close whether in heaven or on earth. We have a person that binds us together, a soul. We have Natalie. What a beautiful reminder she is.  A reminder of her father, of my husband, of Brian... to anyone who knew him. And a special way for people that never met or really knew him, to see a part of him. A way for his memory to live on, in this earthly world. I am so blessed to have her, as are Derek and Kate too. And we all know it.
I was upset the other day and she just looked at me, " it's ok Momma, he's right there in your heart." 
Yes, baby, you're right. He is.