about the men i love... for the girls that are my world.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

When You Remember....

This post may be a little different than the ones before. But it's something that has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind lately.
My first husband Brian, and my first true love, has been gone now for almost 6 years.
In those almost 6 years, not one single day has passed that I haven't remembered him, missed him, or thought of him.
Just because time moves on, and the days go by and everything changes, doesn't mean the hole in my heart has closed.
And I think I can speak for anyone who has lost someone very close to them, especially a spouse, when I say, thank you for remembering.
Thank you for remembering that on occasion, days can be hard. Not just the anniversary days or the birthdays. But the normal, run of the mill, everyday kind of days.
Thank you for remembering that even happy times, such as another first day of school, or milestone that our daughter achieves, is a source of joy for me, but also sadness for the one who is missing it.
Thank you for being there, even if you didn't know what to say, but for just being there. Your presence and support means more to me than you'll ever know.
Please don't be afraid to mention his name to me.
You won't make me sad, I promise.
You'll make me smile, because you remembered him. Because you reminded me of a memory, or his smile, or his laugh.
Thank you for understanding that I will speak of him often, even to people who didn't know him. I will always carry his memory with me and sometimes I just need nothing more than to share who he was with the world, thank you for listening.
If you didn't know him, thank you for asking me about him. It saddens me, that so many people never had the privilege or honor to know him and his quiet, revered, stoic personality.
But if you ask me, I'll tell you.
His name is an everyday name in our household. And our daughter does things that remind me of him daily. I thank God for her everyday, she is my living piece of him. She will carry on his legacy. She is proud of her Dad, and that makes me proud.
Thank you for knowing, that I am truly happy again, and for sharing in my happiness.
Yes, I still have times when I hurt and there will always be a piece of me that is missing.
But thank you for not treating me like I'm broken.
Because I'm not.
I'm the same person I was before, in many ways, and a different person, in many ways too.
Because the loss changed me, a part of me went with him. A part of me that will never come back.
But believe it or not, I gained something....
I gained the ability to enjoy life to the fullest. I have a new found respect for life. And for the blessing of my husband Derek and all 3 of my children. I appreciate every minute God has given me with them.
My faith is deeper because I know this is all bigger than me, much bigger.
I may never understand why things that have happened, did happen, but I realize that's just it, I'm not supposed to.
I gained the ability to find great peace in the memories I hold deep in my heart, and the ability to live in the moment, and make new memories with those I love.
I've learned not to live in the past, or worry about the future, but instead to live in the present. Life is complete when you appreciate all aspects of it equally.
I'm not perfect. I never have been, never will be. But I am happy, and I am thankful. I appreciate the past, I enjoy the present, and I look forward to the future.
Sometimes when the cards I've been dealt cause my heart to feel heavy and moments are difficult, and I am sad for the loss I've suffered...
I remember Brian, because that's the easy part.
Thank you, for remembering, too.