about the men i love... for the girls that are my world.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Memories of Love

It's been awhile... not that I haven't tried, I've got about 8 drafts of posts that I have been working on. However, I've discovered a 13 month old running around, is not conducive to sitting and typing on the computer for an hour or so.  But today, I need to write, it's good for my soul (and Kate is napping). So here it goes...
What a month...as I sit here looking out the window, at the dreary overcast sky, I find myself taken back. Taken back to February of 2010. When it seemed that everyone else had gone on with their lives, and there I was left to live with this horrific grief, left to raise our child alone, left to try to find a way to live.....but to live a life that was completely different and one that I didn't want. And even now it's so strange, anything can trigger those feelings, a song, geese flying over my house and honking, or Natalie says something that I swear is straight from Brian's mouth.
Of course, today is Valentines Day. It's true that it's just another day, no different from any other. But it is. I am overcome with a wealth of emotions. I have such joy in my life, Derek, the girls, my family and friends. I am ever so thankful for the abundant blessings that God has provided to me. I do believe that after such tragedy, your outlook changes... after the darkest storm, the sun shines brighter and the grass is greener. I give thanks to God everyday for a loving, supportive husband who goes above and beyond for our family; and for two beautiful, happy, healthy girls that bring such love into my heart. I am truly happy.
But nothing will ever fill a hole that I have in my heart. And I don't ever want anything to. It will always be there for Brian, it was his to begin with. He always made Valentines Day such a special day. He would always write to me, not just buy a card and sign his name, but write a letter. He would write from his heart and made me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world. It was so genuine. I have such wonderful memories of Valentines Day, memories of love. That is what I focus on today, those memories and also the love that I have in my life now.
The other day I was in my closet looking for something, and a paper bag fell off the top shelf hitting me in the head. I opened it up realizing it was the bag of letters I had saved. Every letter or card Brian had ever given to me. I cried as I sat there and read through them, and then laughed that the bag had smacked me in the head on its way down.... reminded me how Brian would ever so lovingly "pat" me on the back of the head...he told me my head had a perfect flat spot for it.
It's been a emotional month, I've got times like that, and this just happens to be one. However in the midst of all of missing and reminiscing, God has continued to show me his love and provide for me. A few months ago  some great people and wonderful friends asked me to join their amazing cause. If you're reading this and you don't already know about Final Call Quilts, check it out... www.finalcallquilts.org. Rob and Alayna Kempf will never know how much of a blessing they are to me. In becoming part of the organization, I have felt such a sense of fulfillment. What a great way to keep his memory alive and honor my husband, a man I am so proud of.
For the first time last week I traveled with them to deliver quilts to the family of a fallen deputy in Texas. What an experience. I had no idea the impact it would leave on me. I met some amazing people, it felt so good to able to give back, to be a sense of comfort to others in a time of tragedy. I also felt such a sense of pride in honoring Brian's memory. And I too, felt comforted by these new friends that I had met. It felt to good to talk to other widows, to women who really understand me. I am truly looking forward to where this avenue of my life will take me, I will continue to honor Brian for the man he was. An honest, loving, good family man. I hope I make him proud.
Who would have thought we'd go from this to where we are now...
God has a plan, and I believe in it. 

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