Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Living with Different
This may be redundant information, that I've already shared, but I've had a tough day and currently it's an even tougher evening. I need to put the thoughts down that are racing through my head.
Today Natalie, my Mom and I attended the State Law Enforcement Memorial in Topeka. It's the fourth one since Brians EOW (end of watch). A good friend asked me a while back "Does it get any easier?" You know, I wish I could say that it does. But the truth is, easier is not the word I would use to describe it. It just gets different.
You learn to live with the "different". Because that's how everything is, it's different. You look at things differently, perceive things in a different way, appreciate things differently. It's not always a bad different, some of it is a good different, because you learn to appreciate life and the ones you love so much more. But YOU are different.
Tomorrow would have been the 12th anniversary of the day we went out on our first date. We drove around after dinner listening to the new Kenny Chesney CD... I've got it playing right now.
Yet, the only thing I've got on my mind is the last time I saw him. I can replay the whole thing in my head like it was yesterday. My mom coming over to get Natalie, he and I walked outside to put her in the car. And then we stood outside in the front yard for awhile, with Diesel. I remember he was wearing a white undershirt, his blue workout shorts from the academy, and black socks. It was the last night we had together. It was just an ordinary day. There was, however, nothing ordinary about the love we had between each other. I had no idea how lucky I was to have that moment in the front yard. An ordinary moment in our lives. Just a day in the life that we had built together, with the family we had made, that was so horrifically torn in two a mere 18 hours later.
The next day everything changed. Everything was different. The man that was the love of my life, that my world revolved around, was gone. I can't even begin to explain the pain when your heart breaks in two.
Now, I'm learning how to balance my grief with my life. It's not always the first thing on my mind, and some days are harder than others. You live. You remember. You laugh and love again. Yet, there are still days like today, when it's been on my mind since the minute I woke up this morning. It doesn't surprise me. I miss him. With Police Week in Washington DC, as well as the local memorial coming up, along with Natalie's birthday this month... my heart is heavy.
Speaking of that, I am so greatful for an understanding husband who gives me his full support and love, without question. I don't always give Derek enough credit, for being my rock, for being able to look at me and without either of us having to say a word, understanding me. I will never be able to thank him enough for that.
I have an impending feeling of anxiety upon me with the events that are coming up this month. The trip to DC will be the first time I've been back since the year Brian was honored. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. The pain, the grief, the sorrow in my heart, missing him, it doesn't go away. Again, it just becomes different. Yet, still, always there. Whoever said time heals all wounds, is a big fat liar. At least it doesn't heal the pain of a lost loved one. It may dull the pain at times, or distract you from it, but it's still there.
Yet, I know that this is all in God's plan, and I am trying to focus on and look forward to the positives; building stronger relationships with others at Police Week and being there to support friends I've met along the way. I am so excited to see my friend Paige again, a friend that was made because of a terrible common bond that ties us together, but a friend that has been such a blessing to me, and I am certain was put in my life by an act of God. I only wish we lived closer... I hope and pray that I will be able to be a source of support and provide encouragement to others and only strengthen our friendships more.
I will honor Brian, forever. I will keep his memory alive. His spirit is with me everyday. It may be emotionally tough and wearing, but I'm thankful that I can attend these memorials. It's such a wonderful honor to him... and another way to show Natalie about the hero that her father was, still is, and always will be.